Husbands (Knight/Prince)

Being a husband is NOT for the faint of heart. Men’s commitment to their marriages seems to be at an all-time low. Maybe that’s why divorce rates are higher than ever. Don’t accept being a statistic…do something about it!

The instant we say “I do” and commit our lives to our wives is the very moment we begin trading in our selfishness for selflessness. Being a husband is one of the top three roles we can volunteer for in life. By default, that means we also assume the subset roles of Prince Charming, knight in shining armor, partner, leader, confidante, teammate, advisor, bodyguard, lover, and forever best friend to our wives. As you can see, this is not a job for the faint of heart! The staggering divorce statistics (50% of first, 67% of second, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce) point out that the job of being a husband is too often taken lightly.

When men are focused on only committing to what’s in their own best interest, the bonds of marriage quickly begin to erode. Why are we so quick to throw in the towel with our wife (our intended life-partner, and forever best-friend) when we would never abandon a relationship with a child, sibling, or parent just because things “got hard”? Where has the male backbone gone? We’ll gladly work 50-80 hours a week at job we probably don’t like, with no long-term security, for a boss we can’t stand, yet many of us can’t seem to even make the effort to use “please” and “thank you” with our wives? If we can’t consistently integrate these common courtesies, how will we become proficient (much less excellent) at skills like listening, caring, protecting, loving, and dating?

Where have all the REAL MEN gone?

Is it any wonder that this atrocity is taking place when most men receive no real training, education, or support in how to step up to the basic responsibilities of being a man? That, my friend, I simply no longer find acceptable; neither do women, nor should you. Think about it…you can’t do something well in which you have little or no training. While some husbandry skills may be innate, most are not. It would be ridiculous at our places of work to expect great results with zero training or preparation. Shouldn’t it be the same, if not more so, in our own homes? Or are you content to merely roll over and accept your fate as just another statistic?

If that last sentence ticks you off, good! Maybe it’ll get you off the couch, and there’s still hope for you, your wife, and your marriage yet. If you are ready to start working at being a catalyst for change in your marriage, then let’s get started. Contact me to begin the journey of becoming the man of your wife’s dreams.

If, however, you still prefer to go it on your own, please do so with all your might. Just answer one simple question first: How has it been up to now going it alone? That’s not a rhetorical question, guys, but one intended to wake you up from the lethargic, playing-dead coma you’ve fallen into. Wake up and reclaim that sense of manliness that your spouse craves (and thought she was getting when she married you in the first place).

And for the record, no, of course it’s not all the man’s fault. Just like it takes two partners to tango, likewise does it take both partners to make marriage a success. But I am focusing on your side of the equation; the only half you really have any control over. Let’s fully clean up our side of the street first, gentlemen, before we start lobbing stones at our wives.

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  Fathers (Heroes)

You are always an example to your children…a shining example of a real-life hero, or an example of a wayward life. Either way, your kids will model much of what you show them. Why not show them the best they are desperate to see.

“My Dad, my hero!” How many men reading those four words wouldn’t practically kill to have your little ones (or older ones) say that to you and mean it? If not, you might want to make sure you still have a pulse. The cold, hard facts, Dads, are that whether you wish it or not, your children will see you as a hero. Some will see you as the best kind of hero, but sadly, many will see you as the worst kind, hell-bent on saving and serving only his self. Kids will look under every rock, down any street, forsaking all caution, just for the love, guidance, and attention that only you are capable of giving to them.

The role of being a father is one of the top three roles we can sign up for in life. It also means we take on the subset roles of hero, doctor, leader, counselor, taxi-driver, police officer, cheerleader, advisor, and story-teller.
As you may already be aware, children are very similar to puppies: they grow up, get bigger, and lose much of their original cuteness as they segue through the terrible twos, the teenage, and college years. That is just part of the larger package. The good news is that you, along with their mother, are uniquely positioned to effect and shape their lives more than any other people on the planet. The bad news is, well, basically the same thing. That means that every little thing, and I do mean every little thing, you say or do, or don’t say or do, has an effect. Did you hear that? That means it all matters, gentlemen, from infancy all the way to early adulthood and beyond. So beware! We either blaze a worthy trail for them to follow, or they turn out exactly how we showed them to be.

How does a father learn to blaze that worthy trail? Truth be known, boys generally learn how to be men and how to treat women from their dads. If there’s no dad (or father figure in his absence), they’ll get their ideas of masculinity from TV or worse. Your girls generally will learn how to be properly treated by men from how their father treated them. And yes, while it is true that even the best fathering and parenting are not guarantees that kids will turn our okay, the alternative is still less than ideal.

Your initial step towards blazing that trail is to love and respect your kids’ mother with all your might. If you don’t love and respect her, they may not either, and you will have helped damage their fertile minds. If you are separated or divorced from their mother, then honor and respect her anyway, whether she deserves such treatment or not. Next, show them; don’t just tell them, what to do. Share your faith or your governing values with them, but speak louder by living that faith or putting those values into practice daily.

You’ll notice the word “career” is not even mentioned here. While being a provider is certainly an important role, too many men associate their importance or success in life with what they “do” versus who they are. Who are you as a father? What kind of a father did you have? Whether you had a fantastic or horrible example in your own father, do not give up hope. Purpose in your heart today to embark on the journey of becoming the SUPER-DAD you know your children deserve. You need not do it alone. If you are serious, I can help you put all the right pieces together, little by slow, to becoming your children’s hero.

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  Men in Recovery (Future Leaders)

You can allow the wreckage of your past to keep you stuck in victim-mode, or failure mentality or you can use it as a springboard to finally launch you into the dream-worthy life you’ve always wanted.

Addiction samplings: drugs, alcohol, procrastination, work, spousal/elder/child abuse, anger, victimhood, perfectionism, gambling, sexual addiction, pornography, law breaking, stupidity, irresponsibility, food, slothfulness, failing, infidelity, exercise, debt.

“What now?” you may ask. “I’ve wasted all this time, abused my body and damaged relationships and career simply to satisfy an unquenchable thirst. And the wake behind me is almost as huge as the looming emptiness ahead of me.” Or maybe you’re at a different place: “I feel like I’m starting to make some headway, and have some decent sobriety, but what else is there?” Or maybe you’ve failed to practice the principles in “all” of your affairs and picked up some bad habits, or switched additions in your recovery and your sponsor or support group are ill equipped to help. These thoughts, experiences, and fears are nothing new to men just like you across the globe who have dragged themselves, or been dragged, out of the chasm of utter devastation. The good news is that there is life after death, the death that allows us to keep breathing while witnessing an almost surrealistic collage of pain and sorrow that defined our current or prior existence.

What now lies before you is a blank canvas meant for your final masterpiece which you are uniquely crafted to create. While you may have hinged on the edge of oblivion, you are now prepared to become completely unhinged to paint the world with your personal song and experience. Think about it. Very few individuals like, let alone respect someone who has achieved greatness who never knew hardship and who reached their lofty position unscathed. What really snatches peoples’ attention is the man, down beyond reach, who has taken the helpful hand(s) offered him and made life beautiful for himself and others. YOU are that man.

One way to look at your past is as a gift meant to refine and prepare you for really living and for giving back. Because you’ve been there, and know the predictable outcomes of a life unlived, you now have the illustrious title of an over-comer, a future leader with the seeds of great things residing within you. Now you only need to release your hold on the past and embrace your future. Your past can either be a springboard launching you forward, or an anchor keeping you stuck. Work a good program, make your amends, pay your debts, and clean up the wreckage of your past, for all that you desire for yourself, others, and the world is within you to grasp. Take the risk, the right risks, by taking the leap of faith for yourself. You are worth it. And you are not alone.

The truth beyond the confines of your past isolation is that we need never be alone again. With over two decades of sobriety and work in the recovery field, I can partner with you so you can realize all that you dared never dream about. Or if you’re unsure about utilizing a men’s coach, partner with someone with whom you respect, to stay on the path before you. Little by slow, just like recovery, doing it one-day-at-time, a fulfilling life will begin to unfold before you if you purpose in your heart to make it so and get help as you journey forth. You may still be tempted to trudge it alone, but do yourself, and those around you a favor… take the next hand that reaches out and offers to help pull you up to the next level. Start really living an abundant life in recovery.

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